The following stories, poems, songs and wit and wisdom I present for your viewing consumption.  Read as much as you can stand.

It was Thanksgiving Weekend in about 1990 and we had invited some folks from Louisiana had contacted me and was wanting to do a 2-3 hour mountain bike ride on some local trails.  Well I thought that a good ride might be on the Ouachita Trail over Fourche Mountain.  This is the section between Hwy 27 and the Rich Mountain Community.  I had ran this section with some local runners a few years earlier, and we had completed the trip in less than 3 hours.  I assumed that we would certainly be able to ride our mountain bikes through this section in that time or quicker.  Well it turns out that the foursome fro Louisiana had a couple that were very novice riders.  I also brought the wife along, also a novice rider.  That was the least of our problems.  As we started our ride we discovered that much of the early parts of the trail was so steep and rocky, that we were not able to ride our bikes.  So much of the time we were carrying our bikes.  I thought to myself, "I could RUN faster than this".  I kept encouraging the group that all we had to do was make it to the top of the next hill and all would be fine.  I think I proclaimed at least three hills to be the last hill.  When we did finally make it to the top it was a mess.  winter storms had brought down trees across the trail, and there was think brush and tree branches as well as giant Green Briars.  3 hours had passed and we were not yet half way through.  I tried to stay ahead of the group to throw aside trees and to push back the briars.  Also I was afraid of what they were plotting against me.  We eventually made it through in 6 hours.  It was dark and all had run out of water many miles back.  That evening as we ate at the local Pizza Hut, not a word was spoken to me.  My name was mud.  They did not come to visit me for about 2 years.  Eventually I wrote the following Poem, and time had washed away the harsh memory and we are all now friends again. 

The Mighty Fourche
Sung to the Tune of the Theme Song from Gilligan's Island

Come sit right back and I'll tell a tale
Of an off-road bicycle trip.
When six brave souls with mountains bike
With water bottles to sip... Water bottles to sip.

Their leader, Mike, was a brave young man.

His plan was clear and sure
He'd lead the group across the Fourche
On a three hour tour... A three hour tour.

The trail, it started getting rough
And it started getting steep.
"Come on!" yelled Mike, "we're almost there!
I can almost see the peak".... Almost see the peak

Things got worse when they reached the top
For the trail was might thin.
It was blocked by trees an briar vines
Which tore their clothes and skin... Tore their clothes and skin.

The men began to grumble
And the gals began to cry.
If not for the courage of their leader, Mike,
The surely would have died... Surely would have died.

Mike tossed aside the might Oaks
And cut the vines like that   
And led the way to the planned trailhead
In six hours flat... Six hours flat

The Last Kelsey Family Vacation!

Like all family road trips you hope that all goes well
But we were in the vehicle called "The Caravan from Hell"!

Justin was grown and heading for college
And surely would not join us again with all that knowledge.

Bald tires and squeaky brakes,
With the vans roof interior cloth hanging in our face.

The weather was hot as it was summer you see
and the Caravan from Hell had no A/C!

The hours were long and the miles were many
The drivers seat was getting hard on my old fanny.

The kids started complaining and I was willing to bet
That I would once again hear "Daddy... are we there yet"?

My patience was gone, my temper was short
Shut up you kids, was my only retort!

So we stop the van at the nearest rest stop
And Sue bought all the kids a Soda Pop. 

And with a firm stance and and a very firm voice
She said listen up boys , you have a choice.

Quite down now and don't take a chance
And if all goes well Daddy won't have to warm you pants.

Poem: By Mike Kelsey

On January 14, 2004 the following post was place on the Arkansas Bicycling Bulletin Board.  This gentleman was going in for Vasectomy and was seeking advice from other cyclists input who had undergone the same procedure.  Many were nice enough to give there advice or to tell their experience of the Vasectomy in relation to their bicycling.  Of course I only thought it right that I put in my two cents worth. 

Posted January 14th, 2004
That is right. I am getting out of the pool, gene pool that is. I scheduled my vasectomy for the 20th. That way I can get one more cross race in. Hopefully I will be back in the saddle in two weeks so I will not lose endurance. The Challenge is fast approaching!

Anyone have any war stories? How long was the recovery time? No scar photos please.

And My Response...

Don't Do It!!!
So there I was, at the peak of my racing career in 1993. I had a couple AMBCS Series overall wins in my pocket. Kids? Had three, and it was obvious that we would not benefit by having any more. So my wife and I think that the Vasectomy will be the best course of action. Easy for her to say!

So under the knife I go. Pretty simple procedure, and I was able to ride comfortably in just a few weeks. But my cycling career never recovered. And it was this very post that got me to reflecting. Previously I have not been able to find any concrete evidence as to what was the cause of my sudden and precipitous fall from my winning ways. But now I suspect the Vasectomy. I was never told of the possible sever side effects. I have since sought out, by way of the Internet, support groups that deal with the devastating aftereffects of this procedure. What has been of great benefit is just knowing that their are others out there, and I am not just going nuts. There are so many other athletes who have experienced similar fate following their vasectomy. For more information, go to www.vasdifference.com.

There also is much information about the impact of this procedure on the athlete at www.thecruelcut.com. At the Cruel Cut web site, you can read about the years of scientific evidence collected by Dr. Claud Knobs. Dr. Knobs explains that with the Vasectomy, you end up with a build op of the "Little Guys" (I will not use the word, but you all know what I am talking about, for I fear that this may very well be one of the 7 words you cannot say on media any longer), sooooo.... you know..... the "Little Guys", well apparently they keep multiplying, and they used to have a gateway for release. Now they are trapped, and they, in time... get very frustrated and eventually escape into the blood stream. At this point Dr. Knobbs believes that the " Little Guys" then act as though they are on their appointed mission of seeking out the Ovum, (I hope I can say that!). Only problem is is that they will not find their appointed destination, so as if in a fit of frustration, they impale their itty-bitty bodies on whatever organ tissue they may be near. Over time this takes a toll on the body. Dr. Knobs, states that the "Little Guys" will attack and tear down muscle tissue, bone, cartilage and even BRAIN Tissue. The victims can suffer from lose of endurance, strenght, pain in the joints, memory loss, migraines and increesed speling errors. I suffer from all this, and I am pretty sure that Dr. Knobs is correct as to the cause of my suffering.

For those that have suffered the same, there is a class action suit that is being filed on behalf of a large number of the suffers of P.O.V.D.S. (Post Operative Vasectomy Dysfunctional Syndrome) (Pronounced Povds), against the Medical Industrial Complex. To read details of and to participate in this suit, go to www.povds.com.

My wife says I am crazy to think this way! Dr. Knobs says that being crazy is also a symptom of P.O.V.D.S.

Mike